Sorry, friends its been a while. Well, a while would be an understatement. But life has been a whirlwind. I know usually I have some inspirational message and I usually don’t talk directly about myself or my life. But today I just wanted to share person to person, heart to heart with my followers and whoever may stumble upon this.
Three weeks ago from today something absolutely life changing happened to me. Something most people would describe for the worst, and trust me it has been a tough road and its just the beginning. But also something life changing for the better.
I was sexually assaulted. Yes, you heard me correctly.
It was 7pm on a Tuesday and I was getting ready for the party. It was senior week at my college and I couldn’t be more excited for the “last go round” with my nursing class.
10 pm: maybe I had played one too many rounds of flip cup but I told myself I was fine, I decided to stop drinking so I could sober up.
11 pm I followed a guy into the basement (maybe that was a big mistake in retrospect) but he was beyond intoxicated and I was hoping to convince him to come back to the party for his own safety. Give it about 10 minutes and I was pressed against a wall wondering where this was going. Kinda scared, but kind of okay with it (that was definitely the alcohol speaking.)
2 am (definitely way to late to be out). He asked me if he could crash on my sofa since he was clearly in no state to drive. This is someone I had been friends with for all four years of college and someone I viewed as a good guy. What is wrong with helping a friend? So of course I agreed. We walked to my house and here was the scary part: he walked right past my sofa and straight to my room. I was at a loss for what to do, hoping he would just fall asleep.
4am he still isn’t asleep and things have escalated. Then it all happened so fast. I don’t think it is necessary to share the details from here, you get the point. I told him to get off of me, I tried to push him off of me, I told him to stop, nothing. Then he passed out and I was left sobbing. What do I do? I woke my best friend up and carefully snuck out the house, not wanting to wake him out of fear.
5am I am driving to my friends house; shaking, my head spinning, trying to wrap my brain around what happened. How do you cope with that, how do you move forward?
That is the bad part, that is what happened for the worst. I was forever affected by something that only happened for about 5 minutes. Was I going to be pregnant (still to be determined), was I ever going to be able to trust a guy again, was I going to live life constantly looking over my should waiting for the next guy to take advantage of me, would the flashbacks ever end, would I ever sleep through the night again? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, three weeks later they still remain unanswered.
But here is what happened for the better. I learned that I have a support system like no other. I learned that I have friend who will wake up at 5 in the morning just to let me lay in their bed and cry. I learned that I have friends who will pray for me each and every day. I learned that my friends stand true to their promises; checking on me every day. I learned that people are good despite what the world may say.
I learned that our stories demand to be told and the secrets only hurt more and most importantly I learned that I am not to blame for what happened.
If you are still reading this I guess what I am saying is always find the good in every situation. Be brave, be strong, but at the same time know it is okay to feel every single emotion that comes with the situation you are in. Emotions don’t make us weak, it takes strength to allow ourselves to feel.
If you have found yourself in a similar situation or are struggling with overcoming something like this don’t hesitate to reach out and get the help you need.
You are loved and you are good.