I was exhausted, like the feeling that every ounce of life has been sucked out of me. I quietly walked into the chapel and snuck into the corner seat where I could rest my head against the wall. It was dark and quiet, the only light being the one flickering from the candle. I closed my eyes letting reality hit me.
I felt a tear slowly drip down my cheek, then another one, and another one. With every breath I was holding back the sob that would let every other person in the chapel know I was crying. I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t let them know that I reached the point of breaking. I masked the sobs. I silently sniffled.
I looked back up and braved the question that I knew would break me. I stared straight at the cross and whispered “Why, God? Why do I hate myself?” As I whispered this everything inside me broke. I crumpled. I sobbed.
This is the question I’ve avoided for most of my life. I knew I struggled with confidence. I knew I found my worth in all the wrong things. I knew when things got hard I resorted to instant gratification. This is how I lived my life. If the world asked for a piece of me I gave it away. After giving away more than I had, to all the wrong things, I remember struggling with who and what I was living my life for. All I knew is that I was lost, and I hated being lost which translated to “I hate myself”.
No one wants to admit that they hate themselves so I did what any person does; I pushed the thought to the back of my head. Here I am though, 5 years later, braving the question I have been too scared to face. “Why do I hate myself?”
So, I sit in the silence of the small chapel and wait for the answer to come to me. Thoughts are spiraling through my brain: its because your not skinny enough, your not pretty enough, your not smart enough, your not funny enough, etc. My brain was on overdrive, there was no stopping it.
Seconds later…silence. I took a deep breath. I looked around, and in that moment I heard a sweet voice whisper in my heart “Its because you have lost sight of me.” I didn’t want to believe that the answer had been that simple all along, but I knew it was true. I fell into a world of lies. A world that told me that beauty is what appears on the outside and that worth is found in other people.
The answer was sitting right in front of me. God was and always is sitting right in front of me. He was reaching out to me, waiting for me to grab his head. He was waiting to show me my identity rooted in him but I was running the other way.
So, maybe you are caught up in the lies. Maybe you are wondering if you will ever be good enough, ever be pretty enough, ever be smart enough etc. Maybe you are like me and you believed the answer is no.
Here is my simple advice. Look up to The Cross. Lay down every fear, every doubt, every worry right there at the foot of it. God will not disappoint.
I love the way you write…and your authenticity. And the fact that you speak exactly into the brokenness that so many of us feel. Thank you!
Aw, thank you! Your comment made my whole day!